Welcom to Hell! A short conversation with Satan and his attentive staff

"Hello!  Hello! Welcome to Hell you naughty, naughty humans! I am Beelzebub and I will be your tour guide.  Just think of me as your one man party coordinator."  He says with a shoulder shimmy.

"Is there actually going to be a party" a doughy man squeaked.

"Oh, yes there's always a little mixer for the newbies and it's pure Hell.  You see what I just did there?"  He giggled.  "You may not have the greatest time since we have a batch up pedophiles coming in in about an hour and with that baby face of yours... well, let's just say keep your back to the wall sweetie." Beelzebub winked.  The doughy man swallowed hard.

Mae was still in shock.  Mae had all her senses, she had a heart beat for Pete's sake!  She was alive, and she was a good person, not like the guy next to her that she recognized from all the Enron coverage.  She wanted to raise her hand but was afraid she'd to draw attention to herself and so she sat quietly on polished brimstone chairs with her legs crossed at the ankle and her hands folded properly in her lap, the perfect church lady pose.  All she wanted to do was run screaming around the oddly appointed conference room in which a clock ticked loudly but the time never advanced.  She wanted to kick and claw at the walls and find away out.  She didn't belong here and her heart rate accelerated to the point where it sounded over the whir of the historical slide show Beelzebub was showing.  He shot her an irritated look as if her could hear that loud beating tattoo.  She shot a nasty look right back not thinking about possible consequences but he wasn't very tall, in fact he was rather slight.  She bet she could take him unless he has evil, hellish super powers.  He probably does, you don't get to be Satan's right hand man without having a few moves.

"Now, under your seats there will be a little welcome goody bag together for each of you.  Something to help you on you transition." He smiled brightly.  His teeth looked sharp.

"Um, Sir, there is nothing under my chair."  Mae said, trying hard to keep her voice strong in clear even though she felt like vomiting all over the expensive looking rug that lay beneath her feet.

"Oh, Mae dear, I'll have yours once you're done with the big man.  He wants a special word with you." He winked.

Mae choked on her response as darkness enveloped her, thrusting her into torrential winds.  Suddenly she sat in a very bright, posh office complete with power desk and vanity wall.

"Mae! How lovely to see you?"  Satan's voice was high and nasally.  He had a stout little frame and Mae couldn't help but think he looked like Jason Allexander.

"No horns." Mae blurted.  Great final epitaph Mae, she chided herself.

"'Nah, they're mostly to scare people but I figure you're scared enough and this really isn't damnation situation for you so much as well, an errand, I suppose."  He pulled out a large box from a drawer in his lacquered desk.

"An errand?" Mae raised an incredulous brow.  She tried to keep up strong offhanded tones but she quickly ruined it all with a, "What?"  Confusion twisted her face like panties in a heatwave.

"I have your medications here and all your instructions.  Will you need injection training?  Beelzebub is one of the best, living or dead.  All those years dealing with junkies you know."  He said flippantly.

Mae was stupefied.  What the hell was going on here?  Was she high and this was some drug induced hallucination?  No, she would have to actually use drugs for that to be an option.  Mae then recognized the label on the box.  It was from the specialty pharmacy that she had to use to get her medications for the upcoming fertility treatments.  Fuck.  Mae shook her head to clear it, and wondered why she was even surprised and then she realized she hadn't answered Satan's query and she doubted he was used to waiting.  "No, I'm good.  I would just like to get going."

"I'm sure.  I bet this is a little overwhelming for you." He waved a stubby fingered hand to encompass the surroundings, "It seems to be for the others.  You have been quite calm."  He studied her like he was looking for the finest cut of meat as and then opened a drawer in his impressive desk pulling out a bottle of Evian and sipped.  He saw her looking and said, "Gotta stay hydrated down here.  It's damn hot!"  He hooted.  "The puns never get old."

"Will I have to come back here?"  Mae asked.
"No, but you will feel this place with you more strongly than before.  It could consume you, it frequently does."  He was so serious that chills ran up her spine.  "You will however have to call your specialist office and let them know you have your meds.  We aren't affiliated with your doctors office but I do believe we have a close relationship with your insurance carrier."  He dragged a stubby finger down a list.  "And HSA, correct?"

"Yes."

"Ah, here it is Priority Health HSA, known here as You Are Soo Getting Screwed Over."

"Why am I not surprised."

Satan ushered her to the door and handed her off to Beezlebub.  "Take care." Satan said as a parting line.  No handshake, no lecherous comment about her soul, just "take care."  Odd.

Beezlebub noticed her surprise.  "He takes a whole different approach for business since he took over insurance and prescription drug companies.  He's trying to be more Trump like.  It's not nearly as fun.  Anyway, here's your bag of goodies.  Go ahead look!"

Mae bobbled the large box of medications to accept the brightly patterned party bag and look inside.  There were several boxes of tissues and band aides and strangely a tube of expensive eye cream and a heavy hair conditioning treatment.  She held up the last two items with brows raised.

Beezlebub lay a hand on her shoulder.  "Oh, honey, I know you feel like hell but there's no reason to look like it."  He poked at her under eye bags and with a hand at the small on her back he ushered her threw an exit door that had appeared out of nowhere.  "See you later, girlfriend." He called and waved to her enthusiastically.

Mae found herself in familiar surroundings.  Her living room she realized.  She tried hard to think but all her thoughts circled back to one.  What the fuck was that!