Welcome to Hell! : A Father's Day Special

"Welcome! Welcome All!  I see we have a few new faces in the crowd. Keep close and you'll pick up the routine quickly."  Beelzebub clapped his hands together and grinned out at the shell shocked faces of the newbies.  "For all who don't know, I'm Beelzebub.  I know, I know.  I'm famous.  We'll save the autographs for later.  I'm sort of Satan's Sargent at arms so to speak but also the Tour director."  He gushed.  The crowed mostly consisted of men who looked down right miserable.  Their eyes darted around the cavernous room and they shifted their weight from foot to foot, wary. "Now for all you who fail to reproduce this will become an annual celebration, much like a prostate exam."  He said excitedly.  "Oh, wait!  There's an idea for next year!"  He quickly jotted a note on his ever present clipboard.  The men groaned.  "Now this year we decided to go with a throw back.  A real classic." His eyes sparkled as he waved a hand grandly.

Out strolled to of the largest beings anyone had ever seen, real or imagined.  "These are two of the more famous giants we have on staff.  They've taken a break from their normal duties of menacing to be with us here today!"  Beelzebub high-fived the nearest of the two.  "This here is Grendel and this fine beast I'm not sure needs introductions."  The men nodded with their mouths agape.  They couldn't take their eyes of that single eye.  Cyclops.

"Now if you could all form two lines in front of each giant, we will get things moving."

"You haven't told us what's going to happen yet."  A voice called from the back.

"Oh, dear me.  Y'all just must be shaking under the anticipation."

"We aren't getting navel rings like last year are we?  I think mine's infected."  Another man called.

"Navel rings?  Why navel rings?"  His neighbor asked perplexed.

"We had a choice between this," he lifted his shirt to show the guy his Playboy bunny piercing, "or a star and moon tattoo around the belly button.  I chose this thing thinking I could take it out."  He shuddered and shook his head sadly.

"I went with the circling dolphins." Another man added.  "I think I should have gone with the celestial one instead.  I feel like the dolphins are always looking at me."

"Why girly piercings and tattoos?"

"To emasculate."  The men said in unison.

"Like I said, today we went with an old classic.  Quick and painful.  We're having a good old fashion Ball Kick!" Beelzebub giggled and hopped in place.  A collective gasp and wince went up from the crowd.  They all seemed to hunch over their manly bits protectively.  "Now, now, it can't be that bad.  Granted I was never a human male, but still.  Suck it up boys!"  He called a little disgusted.  "All of you in Cyclops's line might have to be a little patient and understanding."  He lowered his voice to a loud whisper. "I mean he only has one eye.  His aim is not the best."  He added a deprecating shrug.  "Hey!  I saw that!  No line switching!"  He yelled.  "How do you think that makes him feel."  He moved down the line.  "Insensitive bastards."  He muttered.  "Now let's begin."

Beelzebub waved his arms as if conducting an orchestra and the first round of men began their screaming, gasping and the inevitable moaning.  Each man was ushered aside clutching his now devastated man parts.  Some wretched and wept.  "Drama queens."  Beelzebub rolled his eyes.

"Come grab your complimentary bag of ice.  I'm not walking all over Hell's half acre to hand them out."  He laughed.  "That's funny on so many different levels.  As if we could get away with a half acre!"  He hooted.

"My bag's just water.  And...and it's warm." A man groaned, clutching himself.

"Oh, honey,  you're not too bright are ya.  Maybe you ought not spread whatever backwoods breeding you got going on."  He waved a dramatic hand at the crumpled fellow.  The man just stared back blankly.  Beelzebub sighed and crouched down next to him.  "This is Hell.  It's hot.  Nothing can stay frozen.  Ever heard of 'a snowball's chance in Hell' or 'when Hell freezes over'?"  He spoke with exaggerated slowness.  "No?  My we are simple aren't we?  People say those things because they are impossible honey. They can't happen because it's hot."  He stood.  "Now take your ice," he said with quote fingers, "and be quiet.  Make tea or something." 

Beelzebub walked on, monitoring the progress.  Occasionally he would wince and offer two bags of water to a man who looked like he'd taken a more brutal blow or holler out to the giants, "I said no stomping!  Our insurance won't cover that kind of damage!"

When all men lay sufficiently disabled and disheartened, Beelzebub offered his final good byes.  "It's been just lovely to see you all again."  He clasped his hands in front of him and then wiped a small tear. "Oh, look at me blubbering away like an Atheist.  I hate goodbyes.  A whole year before I see some of you again.  Well, to all of you,"  he threw up his hands, "Happy Father's Day bitches!"  He looked up and frowned.  "There was supposed to be confetti."  He stomped his foot.  "Where the Hell is my freaking confetti!"  He stormed off in a huff muttering how nothing ever worked right in this God forsaken place.